goin’ each and every place with the mic in my hand…Posted: October 13, 2005
So, as I watched Monday Night Football the other night, the halftime show featured a stop by Arnold Schwarzenegger to the announcer’s booth. I had this funny thought of him as the governor of a state more paid than most countries. After I stopped tittering over that little thought, I realized that he indeed was still the governor of most of the western coast of the Lower 48. I know people talk that American Dream shit, but how does an Austrian bodybuilder turned action movie demigod become the governor of a state that more money than all of South America (including Patagonia)? That’s like rich oil barons running the country. Then I think of Californians (namely He Hate Me) and it makes sense. Now, if he was the governor of Idaho, that’d be impressive. Many a shrewd political mind has been shaped on the tawny plains of this spud paradise.
Anyway, as Arnold talks about something or other (clearly resisting the urge to tell Al Michaels to come with him if he wants to live), something occurred to me. Of all the things people have said about him- Nazi dad, juicer, bad actor, Republican- no one has once mentioned the fact in all his movies, he’s never foreign but has still has that ridiculous accent. Do you really mean to tell me that Skynet would have made a Terminator with an Austrian accent? It’s bad enough the guy wears sunglasses at all times because he wrenched out his fake eye after a gun fight (Sidebar 1: If a dude comes up to you wearing sunglasses at night and you tell him he can’t do something like come into the police station, get that one last beer, etc. and he says “I’ll be back”, shoot him. If it’s at a heated pick-up basketball game in, how do you say, an “urban” area, run).
For the life of me, I think he’s been international about three times: Once in that movie with John Belushi’s younger brother,’Twins’ (and even that’s contentious because growing up south southwest of Fiji, I’m pretty sure you’re not making the Vienna circuit frequently), and that movie where he’s pregnant, which should be summarily thrown out on the basis of being ridiculously unbelievable. We all know Arnold could never be a doctor (Sidebar 1: Emma Thompson was also in that movie. At the time, she was a Blonde British chick with understated beauty. The next time I saw her was ‘Love Actually’ and, because she’s a great actress, I’ll simply describe her as matronly).
All his other movies, he’s something like ‘US Marshal John Archer’ or ‘Detective John Kimble’, accent and all. Worse? Absolutely no one seems to bat an eye at this or even ask him his name again. I mean, did all his characters immigrate to the US and become elite commandoes in search of intergalactic bounty hunters? I’ve seen these bounty hunters and trust me, they’d sniff that accent out. Every other actor has to change their voice. Shit, I didn’t even know the guy (Sam Neal I think) from Jurassic Park had an accent until I saw him in an interview. Same goes for the girl who saw Christian Bale crack Mekhi Pfifer’s head in ‘Shaft’. Damn, Mel Gibson lost his accent after ‘The Road Warrior’, and that was last century. See? All Arnie had to do was drop it early and he could be making Jesus movies now.
Just once in his one of Arnold’s movies, I want one of the supporting actors to turn to him and say, “Why the fuck do you talk like that, John?” That would make me exceedingly delighted, like peach sorbet or a quickie before an exam (trust me on that last part. You’ll go into that sucker with zen-like calm). He’s holding on to that accent too hard. In this day and age, can that kind of Euro-trashery be trusted? Mr. Rumsfeld would say no (or Donnie Brasco as the thugs call him). Peace to one of the two greatest sequels in cinematic history.
Penultimate Thought: Rain is proof the someone’s mad at New Haven for something.
Final Thought: I really hated Andre Agassi until he cut his hair.