You wouldn’t have stopped, but I came on your wedding gown…Posted: June 5, 2006
So, I was talking to a buddy from home and apparently a friend of hers, who had previously only hit a bloop single, decided to starting banging the guy she’s been dating for roughly an hour. Now my friend, a veteran of the life was initially happy for her pal who we’ll call HIllary. And why not be happy? Banging and getting banged is one of the freedoms we must cherish in the post-9/11 world. However, what isn’t cherished is people who’ve shtooped less times than they have fingers trying to make broad declarations about coitus and its gullery.
I don’t care what Mr. Rogers used to say, your first couple rides on the carousel do not go that smoothly. If you think it did and you have a penis, she lied. If it was a he, they’re kinda like girls, so a lie was probably perpetrated in that instance as well. Before you ladies get to guffawing, understand that you are not the most able-bodied creatures in the loin forest. It’s kind of like a deer that was just born, but with less hoof and more KY jelly. Get two deer together and it’s a total freaking disaster. Triceps get all tired, hair gets caught under elbows, rubbers fall off. Disaster friends, disaster. And the answer is yes. Yes, I’m just trying to shatter a young buck’s notion of what great sex is because she can’t have any ideawhat it is because she was on first base about 30 minutes ago. Am I hating? Yes, but I’m also doing basic mathematics:
Hillary is a babe in the world. She has played doctor with exactly 1 person, after previously getting only to base number 1. Hillary’s boyfriend, is bordering on creepy older guy status, being roughly 8 years her senior. Said boyfriend has the distinct quality of being annoying (not a prick, annoying. Lots of times, pricks are pricks because they can lay the pipe). Hillary and boyfriend have had sex roughly 7 times. What is the likelihood Hillary is having great sex? Solve for X. Show your work.
If you bang people, think aboutthe first time you had sex. Shit, think about the 20th time you had sex. I feel like I’m just now getting the hang of things and I’m working on my fifth season at the school Elihu built when he wasn’t busy slaving. I just now got to the consistent 20 minute mark and this girl, a non-masturbator, is busting multiple nuts in less than 10 tosses? I don’t think the universe even sanctions that. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if the universe made female orgasms work on a seniority system for the sake of fairness. All the chicks who haven’t busted nuts in the sack (fellas it happens more often than we like to think) have first dibs and rookies get last scraps. That’s what it is. She’s getting the scraps of some housewife’s fling with the air conditioner man (Sidebar 1: I know some women never ever have orgasms. Clearly you did something to make the universe mad. And most guys can’t bang right). Peace to Durex.
Penultimate Thought: Sex and the City’: White women’s Waiting To Exhale.
Final Thought: My jeans are getting an authentic hole in the knee.