Wipe Me Down

Baby butts are small. Adult butts? Less small.

Why then are baby wipes gigantic, moist paper towels devoted to baby butt crack while the adult equivalent are little better than the moist napkins that come with a platter of baby back ribs?

I’m a baby wipe fan. Have been since the ’05-’06 season. They’re versatile; they’re not only are a welcome finish to seated bathroom moments but are also a far superior alternative to a beat down towel after a roll in the hay. In fact, it’s not a terrible idea to give yourself the once-over with a wipe pre-roll, just to make sure you’re squared away.

After dropping off my laundry the other day–I stunt saditty baby–I hit Walgreens for some household needs. In one of my generally worthless, quasi-green moments, I elected to buy the adult wipes, which are about a third of the size of a regulation baby wipe but are flushable.

That’s baby wipes’ one flaw: You can’t flush ‘em. I do anyway, but being on this responsible kick of late, I elected to go with the 42-count adult wipes.

FAIL.

Fuck kicks and fuck adult wipes. They’re tragically insufficient in both the bathroom and post-coital realm. If you want to be clean and not get filth on your hands, you’re using two, which is a waste.

I realize baby wipes are giant because there’s a lot more material to deal with. But adult butts, while better wiped post-movement, have more area to cover. If that’s not enough, our hands are bigger. And, being the guy I am, I don’t care to touch poop.

Can’t we find some butt-appropriate size in the middle?

And now, some loosely-related coonery

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