Conversations with The Feath: Land of Milk and Honey
Posted: October 6, 2010 Filed under: conversations with the feath Leave a comment »
INT. — DAY– D’ANGELO’S
Jon and The Feath are enjoying delectable submarine sandwiches while Juice lightly drools on herself in her car seat. Having finished her 100% real lobster roll, The Feath leans back in her chair and stretches, sated and content. Jon looks across the table at her and shakes his head.
The Feath: What?
Jon: Nothing. Just…your boobs look HUGE.
The Feath: Yeah?
Jon: I mean, the shirt helps, but they’re look hefty.
The Feath: Right.
Jon: Wanna hear something really sad? Just now I was looking at them all big and thought: “Man, her boobs look big. Maybe she needs to pump.”
The Feath squeezes her boobs to see if this is true. It is not.
The Feath: …You didn’t wanna motorboatin’ ‘em?
Jon: Nope. I’m washed up.
SCENE
Conversations with The Feath: Ballin’
Posted: July 2, 2010 Filed under: conversations with the feath Leave a comment »
INT. — NIGHT – THE LIVING ROOM
After a long day and dinner with Jon’s parents, Jon, The Feath and Juice are sitting on the couch winding down.
Jon is tagging long-overdue wedding photos and The Feath is reveling in the glory of successfully settling Juice, who’d had a bout of the grumpies due to a fit of gas post-feeding.
With Juice calm, The Feath looks at the fruit of her loins, caressing what many have noted to be a perfectly-shaped head.
The Feath: (Smilingly lovingly) Her head is just so…throwable. Like a little duckpin ball.
SCENE
Conversations with The Feath: Taking That Walk
Posted: June 21, 2010 Filed under: conversations with the feath Leave a comment »
INT. — NIGHT — JON’S PARENTS’ HOUSE
Jon and The Feath are at the kitchen table with papers strewn all about. Their wedding is a week away and there are still many things to do for what they hope will be a special weekend for all involved.
Having battled over the guest list and the seating chart, the pair have turned their attention to the reception music. Music holds a very special place in their hearts. It was music that brought them together in the first place.
Unlike the other phases of planning, the music selection process is going fairly well. All the dances have, for the most part, been accounted for. Now, their brains are racked in pursuit of an entrance song.
Jon makes the following suggestion
The Feath: I mean, it’s alright. It’s just–
Jon: That’s the smooth shit! I wanna come out to something kinda slick but, you know, endearing.
The Feath: Uh, I mean I like the song, but I’m not sure it’s a wedding song, ya know?
The song begins to wind down, a winding down that includes Bootsy speaking in the end, imploring the woman in question to believe that he’s sincere, sincere in a way only Bootsy Collins knows how.
The Feath: …Did he just say “you can see me coming, coming all over you”?
Jon: Yeah, but we can fade that part out.
The Feath gives Jon a blank stare from across the table.
Jon: So…how about Willie Hutch?
SCENE
Conversations with The Feath: Hydration
Posted: May 25, 2010 Filed under: conversations with the feath, Pitts Indeed Leave a comment »
INT. — DAY — BEV’S HOUSE
The Feath and Jon are at the home of a family friend, Bev, celebrating Juice and taking part in Baby Shower of the Century, Part III. Surrounded by friends and family, the expectant parents are again humbled by the love and generosity being shown to them as they embark on what will surely be an epic journey.
Following the gift opening portion of the shower, everyone has moved into the kitchen area for the cake cutting. Standing by the kitchen table, The Feath is the picture of fertility and health. Her stomach blossoming beneath a pink dress, her pearls and shoes a brilliant white, she looks every bit the beautiful vessel. Smiling as she does so regularly, The Feath suddenly furrows her brow and freezes in place.
The Feath: My water…
The buzz in the room stops abruptly as every head turns in her direction, eyes bulging. Jon, who is standing next to The Feath, instinctively takes a step back; not only size his wife up, but also to avoid the splash of uterine fluids on his shoes.
Moving slowly, The Feath reaches for her purse and pulls out a bottle of Poland Springs.
The Feath: Oh, here it is.
The Feath bursts into a devious cackle as every butt in the room gets untight and, between ragged breaths, joins in the laughter. A cacophony of “Man, that ain’t funny!” and “Loooooord, I was ’bout to have a fit!” echoes through the house as The Feath, still pregnant, finally cuts the cake.
Conversations with The Feath: Organ Donors
Posted: May 10, 2010 Filed under: conversations with the feath, Pitts Indeed Leave a comment »
INT./EXT. — NIGHT — ’93 JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE
In anticipation of Mother’s Day festivities the next day, Jon has taken it upon himself to take The Feath to the local Five Guys for burgers touched by the finger of God. Riding along, they are tuned into 105.7 WROR, an oldies station out of Boston.
After a slight commercial break, the station rotation returns with The Doors’ classic “Love Her Madly.”
As Jon and The Feath jam along, happily anticipating the manna from heaven known as Five Guys, Jon chimes in
Jon: It’s not often you hear that PIANO anymore. It’s like there was a ban put on it after a certain era.
The Feath: Which? The rock n’ roll organ?
Jon: Yeah.
The Feath: Definitely. Rock n’ roll organ was the Auto-tune of the 60s.
SCENE
Conversations with The Feath: What’s Goin’ On?
Posted: May 4, 2010 Filed under: conversations with the feath 1 Comment »
INT. DAY — THE BEDROOM
Jon and The Feath are attempting to get their new home in order. Boxes are everywhere, clothes strewn about this way and that. As the internet and cable have not yet been set up, Jon has taken a few moments to peruse the Twitternets to see what’s going on in the world
A curious meme has caught his attention and he’s trying to track down its root. He’s sifting through the many tweet fragments, all saying “Who the hell wants to see that?” and “Between this and the soldiers doing the Telephone video, this is apparently the year of Homoeroticism.”
Jon grows tentative as he reaches the origin of the meme, but as a man who conquered the Double Down, knows he must plow forward in search of truth. What he finds horrifies him.
Jon can endure 29 seconds and no more. He cries out. The Feath, who is having a hard time reaching something on the ground, looks up, concerned.
The Feath: What?
Jon shows her the video. The Feath blanches, her eyes glazing in shock and disappoint.
The Feath: We need Marvin Gaye back.
SCENE
Conversations with The Feath: Tuned Up
Posted: April 28, 2010 Filed under: conversations with the feath Leave a comment »
INT.– NIGHT — MIXED MAGIC THEATRE
Having returned to the theatre following after some time spent at the local cinema, Jon and The Feath sit in the theatre’s office area as the elder Mr. and Mrs. Pitts-Wiley set the stage and microphones for a poetry show.
As Jon and The Feath sit, Jon picks up a harmonica from the desk and begins to play it. Jon is by no means a harmonica player; his efforts, though valiant, produce but one chord which he plays over and over and over. The Feath, worn from a full day of errands the gym and a movie can only look at him with a weary but bemused expression. Suddenly, she grins and breaks her silence
The Feath: It would be so great to like…hit you with a cymbal right now while you’re playing that harmonica. Just…the sound you’d make would tickle me.
The Feath laughs a tired laugh. Jon stops mid-chord.
CUT TO BLACK
Conversations with The Feath: The Heap
Posted: April 27, 2010 Filed under: conversations with the feath 2 Comments »
INT. – NIGHT – THE NEW APARTMENT
Boxes and bags and clothes are still strewn about Jon and The Feath’s new residence. Earlier that evening, some progress was made in the kitchen, progress that allowed The Feath to make tremendous stuffed shells which the two ate at the kitchen table.
At this moment, we find the two sleeping when The Feath suddenly sits up. Jon, always keen to major movements, is stirred from his slumber. He’s groggy, but ready to make moves if need be.
Jon: What’s up?
The Feath: I had a nightmare.
Jon is prepared for the standard nightmare fare: someone killed someone else, something was chasing the two of them, etc. He’s also prepared to be scared by said dream as The Feath has a tendency to do when recounting her dreams. Still, he props himself on an elbow to listen
The Feath (cont’d): I dreamed you threw me away.
Jon: What?
The Feath: Yeah. I dreamed you threw me away and there were other wives you threw away too. They were all strung out on drugs and…you threw me away.
Jon is stunned and cannot speak. He can only wonder what he’s projecting to bring the woman he loves to dream dreams like that. Should he say less? Should he say more? He doesn’t know. As The Feath shuffles off to the bathroom, Jon can only stare at the lights coming through the blinds.
It’s only Tuesday morning.
SCENE
