INT. – PETER PAN BUS – NIGHT
Jon and The Feath are on the bus returning home after attending the opening of Mixed Magic Theatre’s outdoor amphitheater. The opening was a success; The Feath’s gospel choir having performed well.
As they rumble back toward New York City, Jon and The Feath watch the in-ride movie “Dreamgirls.” As you might recall, this is the 2007 film starring Beyonce Knowles, Jamie Foxx, Eddie Murphy and introduced the film world to Jennifer Hudson, the slighted American Idol contestant who plays the role of Effie, a role made famous on Broadway by Jennifer Holliday and her iconic performance of “I’m Not Going.”
It is The Feath’s third viewing and Jon’s second.
As Jennifer Hudson graces the screen with great singing and subpar acting, The Feath has a slight look of incredulity on her face and feels compelled to speak.
Didn’t she win an Ocscar for this?
(Sighing) They’re just giving those things away.
Jon can only chuckle.
I was napping the other day and for some reason I can’t remember now and probably wouldn’t understood fully if I did, my mind drifted to one of the great comedies of all time, ‘Coming To America.’ The stellarness of this movie is beyond reproach; it’s got classic one-liners, Eddie in his prime, Arsenio before he fell off the face of the Earth, Sexual Chocolate…I mean, the list goes on.
And if that weren’t enough, it is, in my less than humble opinion, one of the great date/icebreaking videos ever. Think about it: If you have a honey coming over, it’s a movie with just the right comedy to romance quotient, which is one of the great macking subterfuges.
As you might imagine, I’ve seen this film more than a few times. Frankly, I think you have to have renew your viewings every year just to keep your Black card in working order. Obviously, as I have grown, I’ve seen more flaws in the film, most of those being on the bougie Blackademic level that is useful and compelling in heavily regulated doses. Eddie is won over by the pure and virginal light-skinned girl while her dark-skinned sister comes off as a floozy. When you step back, that’s mildly problematic. It’s not right to demonize dark-skinned sisters, especially when light-skinned girls are stank anyway.
But I digress. After many viewings and cackles of delight, I came out of my slumbering stupor and realized this incontrovertible fact: Lisa McDowell had no reason to be all pissed at Akeem and throw the earrings he gave her at him before getting off the train, obstensibly breaking up with him because Akeem’s dad came into her room and said he was in America merely sowing his wild oats and had no intentions of being serious with her. If you think about it her reaction was borderline absurd for the following reasons:
1. While I can see being hurt by such a revelation, the facts of the matter leading up to that point belie what King Jaffi said. If you recall the movie, there’s nothing that should really lead us to believe Lisa and Akeem do anything other than have long talks, cultural outings and a romantic kiss or two. And also if you consider the device of Lisa’s sister Patrice being cast in the light of a harlot, it stands to reason that her (light-skinned) sister does not spread her legs so easily. Let’s not forget this simple movie fact: Unless the movie shows you or tells you, a hypothetical act DID NOT happen thus, Lisa and Akeem did not go to Pumptown.
2. She’s hurt by being deceived, but let’s consider what the guy lied about. He was a prince with the heart of a romantic who wanted to find true love and felt his power and influence would get in the way of that. He didn’t hide a baby mother or a stint up north; he said he was a goat herder rather than the eventual ruler of a nation. Upon finding this out, can a person really be all ticked off?
3. If Akeem was truly sowing his wild oats why would he: A) Lie about being wealthy and only demonstrate his wealth in a covert manner, which backfired anyway because another person was given the credit for his lavish monetary deeds and gifts and B) Befriend a woman he finds intriguing, endure the insults of her wack boyfriend while never mentioning the fact that dude could never see money like his, and C) Do meaningful relationship-type things–minus sex of course–with said chick after wack boyfriend is out of the picture? That makes no sense. Now, I could possibly see a person posing as a commoner for sport, just to see if he could bag chicks without the money, but this wasn’t the case. And while she didn’t know if he was creepin’ or not, her gut and logic should have told her otherwise. I mean, come on, Lisa. When have you ever known a dude to treat a mere wild oats sowing jump-off like Akeem treated you, in public no less? It does not happen. And if anything that resembles his actions were for the spoils of a jump-off, you would have needed to been spreading your legs.
4. She didn’t have the moral high ground to go throwing the earrings back in his face. She didn’t seem to have a problem wearing them beforehand, even after the note attached said they were from a secret admirer who was not Darryl, her man at the time (Sidebar 2: What if Darryl hadda been like, “Where’d you get those earrings?” What could she say? I thought they were from you? If she said that, she’d hae been a liar because she had good enough reason to believe they were from him, but wore them anyway. She can only stand on the fact that Darryl was douchely). So when the truth finally comes out, she treats dude like she caught him red-handed. Akeem shoulda been like, “Yeah, these were from the same guy who has made no overt attempts to reveal his wealth or extort a sexual compensation to recoup the cost of said earrings, dinners, etc.”
5. Even with all the evidence casting him in a favorable light, the guy STILL renounced his throne. Sure, you could argue that people will do anything when desperate, but to say he had truth and righteousness on his side and did not need to do such things is a gross understatement.
Again, I can understand why she would be taken aback by the truth coming out. That’s pretty heavy stuff, but her reaction does not hold water. He treated right, wasn’t sleeping with her and the only thing that you could classify as a lie was his withholding the fact that he was filthy rich in order to possibly meet a woman who loved him for him, though this lie did not prevent him from being anonymously generous with his wealth to not only her but others.
No; you can’t refute the above and yes; I do need a job. Peace to Frenchie Faison.
Penultimate Thought: Text messaging is the devil.
Final Thought: I think the best Law & Order team was Brisco and Green.
So, I’ve recently decided a movie everyone that has ever cheated/ considered being a femme or homme infidel (word to my Parisian duns) needs to see is Unfaithful. This movie displays the complexities of the human romantic condition; its adventure, its dangers, its tragedies, as well as the kind of sex scenes people want to see on celluloid, unlike that pounding witnessed in Monster’s Ball. Yes, said pounding was realistic, but just about no one wanted to see that shit.
At any rate, every time I watch it, it reaffirms my personal ethic with regard to shtooping people with husbands. Now, I’ve been known to make a cuckold of a few boyfriends in my day, but husbands are a completely different story. Boyfriends might go crazy if they find out your name is written on their kitty’s cat. Boyfriends might try to get into a dust-up with you in the streets for 30-35 seconds, hate you for a few months to a year, then it’s pretty much over. Unless you’re messing with Ronald Isley’s girl, in which case you’ll find yourself broke-legged in the middle of the desert, there is an above average chance that you’ll survive the encounter. Shit, you could maybe be buddy’s with the guy in a half decade.
Husbands? Stop playing. The only “might” in question is, “I might hit him with the pick axe rather than the circular saw.” These dudes are married to these women. Got rings and everything. They might even have a little crumb snatcher running around, putting report cards on the refridgerator. A husband will kill or disfigure you for three reasons:
1) You made him look like a fool. You got waist deep in his grasslands, grasslands he assumed he had the right of way on for the rest of his life.
2) You made his wedding day an utter waste of money. Engraved invitations ain’t no joke.
3) In reality, he wants to kill his wife, but since she brings too much to the table (love of his life/ mother of his children combo), he’s gonna take it out on the guy who bought nothing to the table. In fact, you took something off his table.
Now, I can’t really speak for women, but I have to assume that the same rules apply. If you’re dating, I think it’s essentially the same except for the fact that a woman will hate that other women for the rest of her life. I’m talking the same virulent hatred, with absolutely no decrease in intensity, from day 1 to 13765. No exceptions. Again, marriage is a different ballgame. In fact, you probably shouldn’t marry a woman that wouldn’t cut a bitch if you two-timed her.
Granted, I definitely think women are more level-headed in these situations (I mean how many “I showed up at her house and let her know that he’s my man without ripping her eye out” songs have we heard?) and the possibility of not getting mollywhooped is better than if it was two guys (consider the ‘Coming To Break You Off’ video. To be honest, I’m not sure that guy was married to the girl. If he wasn’t, then he’s falling into that marginal “might snap” category. If he was, he’s exactly proving my point), but really, I don’t think you wanna find out that the person whose home you are wrecking is a Superthug (what what what what what wh-what).
On top of the fact that you might have a car hit you while getting coffee (from your cupboard), the whole thing invariably ends badly because you either:
A) Get left for the person he/she should be banging in the first place or…
B) You have somebody who wants to be with you/ you want to be with (you think) who has a small issue of a spouse to contend with not to mention the fact that this person that wants to be with you is an infidel. And as Elgin Lumpkin said, “If you cheated on him, you’d do it to me.”
Truly, point B applies in all relationship cases, but is indeed worthy of mention when considering the matter of nuptuals. Peace to Richard Gere.
Penultimate Thought: I think it’s unfair that Black women got ‘Something New’ and we got ‘Jungle Fever.’
Final Thought: I miss my Eudora.